A few weeks ago, I expressed my hope that Alien: Covenant would return to the “Lost Patrol Template” employed to excellent effect in the franchise’s first installment, Alien. Alas, that didn’t happen. Instead, Alien: Covenant gives us more of the interminable exposition that characterized Prometheus. Who but the most obsessive of fanboys and fangirls could give a shit about the creature’s backstory? Newsflash: the alien is a MacGuffin! It exists solely to imperil the crews that encounter it. Any more explanation is simply tiresome. Passing references to humanity’s twisted desire to create weapons of mass destruction, big corporations’ bottomless greed and the notion that sentient creations are often curious about their creators would be more than adequate to check all of the “big theme” boxes. No need to belabor ideas that are anything but new, especially at the expense of an engaging story and developed characters. And so, Alien: Covenant feels much longer than its two-hour running time, an effect exacerbated by ludicrous action sequences. The fight between the two androids is straight out of a Marvel “M&M” (Moron Movie) and the fight between the alien and the “Final Girl” on the deck of a flying spacecraft would make a Bond film blush. Watch Alien: Covenant – if at all – for the production design and the cinematography. Little else about it warrants your time or money.